Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The 'race' for mayor is on

He's running for mayor ...

She's announcing tomorrow that she's running for mayor ...

He's thinking about it ...

There's a 50-50 chance he'll run ...

This guy is acting like a candidate ...

So Daley picks this guy to run his re-election campaign ...
The thought, I guess, is that Peterson will get all the CHA residents out to vote for the Mayor.

Trouble is, with so many of the CHA buildings bulldozed and replaced by gentrified housing, how will he find all the displaced residents?

More on the race here.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Chicagoan empathizes with traveling Obama

CHICAGO (ap) -- Watching the news of U.S. Sen. Barack Obama's current travels and reception in his native Africa, local man Andy O'Planet recalled his recent visit to Ireland and discussed the many similarities.

"I can understand how the freshman senator from Illinois feels," the Rogers Park South resident said, leafing through a stack of photos from his trip. "When you're on a trip to your homeland, everyone wants to meet you, everyone wants to shake your hand, everyone wants something."

Not everyone gets a chance to lean on Dylan Thomas.

In his experience, O'Planet said, the bartenders at the local pubs were especially friendly. "Honestly, I felt like a returning hero," he said. "The way they greeted me, asked me what I wanted, carefully poured every single pint, it was amazing. I never get that kind of attentive service in Chicago."

Like Obama, O'Planet felt that the locals expected more than he could give them. "One of the reasons I went to Ireland last year, I didn't come, as was said, as a grandson of the community," he said. "I came as a United States citizen and a representative of the Chicago drinking community."

Every Dublin pub opened its doors to O'Planet.

O'Planet was joined on the trip by a friend, Rusty Bongwater, who nodded his head enthusiastically while recalling the trip.

"Yeah, yeah, Andy really got the royal treatment, especially at the Guinness Factory," Bongwater said. "And let me tell you, the Guinness Factory has changed a lot since the last time I was there. Have I ever told you about the time I went to Ireland and almost got arrested?"

O'Planet had never seen such big pints of Guinness before.

Another similarity in the trips was an HIV/AIDS screening. Like Obama, O'Planet also was tested for the disease, although he waited until he returned to Chicago. "I totally understand what the senator's going through," O'Planet said. "When you're traveling, you meet people, they all want to be with you it seems, and you don't always have a condom. So, yeah, I had to be tested, too."

For about a week after his return, O'Planet affected a slight Irish accent, which annoyed his friends, but he insisted was natural. "Listen closely to Obama; I bet he'll have an accent when he comes back. It happens," O'Planet said. "It happened to me. It happened to Oprah when she went to South Africa. And I'm sure it'll happen to Obama."

O'Planet and Bongwater were allowed to eat local cuisine in the streets even.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

"Treat us like professionals!

Then maybe we'll buy decent clothes."

Questions of the Day: Should teachers be considered professional workers? Or blue collar? And should there be a dress code for the people educating our children?

Friday, August 25, 2006

Coming soon to downtown Chicago

"He is 'excited' about the opportunity to refill space on the store's backside on Wabash Avenue." Carson Pirie Scott's State Street store is closing, but it's not that all bad. Just what will the backside space be filled with? Here are some ideas under consideration:

Parking structure: Suburbanites gotta park somewhere

All-American food court: Suburbanites need their vittles

CVS/pharmacy: Suburbanites need their Plan B

Smoking lounge: Suburbanites gotta have a fag

Permanent home of the Windy City Rollers:
Bringin' 'em back to the city

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Good question, wrong person to ask

"Do you know what Nitrometheane, Tovax, cannon fuses, a few barrels, a spool of shock tube and Ammonium Nitrate Fertilizer will do. ... Well do you Mr. President?" --An Illinois state prison inmate asked President Bush in a letter.

Yeah right, like Dubya would know.

Let's ask someone who would ...
Reruns now showing on Fox News.

Oh, the horror! Iraqi man with big penis

"It's normal. Half of America they use it." --Iraqi guy on trial for saying "pump"--as in penis pump--to O'Hare security, who thought he said "bomb."

Is this true? Half of America? Or is bad man stretching truth by an inch or two?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

"My energy plan calls for a casino in Chicago.

That way, people won't have to drive all the way to Indiana to gamble.

It counts as an education plan, too, right? Kids can learn about odds and counting and 'mommy, where did daddy go?' and debt and those kinds of things."

(Chicago Tribune / George Thompson)

Hoping for a sequel, Blagojevich releases a killer plan

Coming soon to Illinois theaters (and gas stations) ...

Is it too late to jump on the South Siders' bandwagon?

Go Lemont Little League team!

This picture of a Lemont player after he got hit by a pitch in the Little League World Series is actually a good illustration of how the White Sox have looked lately.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

"Every time I think my goose is cooked ...

... reporters ask me about some silly ban instead.

Go ahead, ask me about foie gras again. Let's just forget I said anything about more important priorities."

What to give a governor who has everything

"Who the heck is giving Rod all this stuff?"
Republican lieutenant governor nominee Joe Birkett wants Gov. Blagojevich to disclose the thousands of gifts he receives from close associates each year. "Unless he comes clean, we have no way of knowing what the gifts are," said Birkett.

A state law requires that every giver of gifts of $500 or more be disclosed. With the Bla-governor under such close scrutiny, you might wonder what you can and cannot give him the next time he comes over for dinner.

The Daley Show has some suggestions for the challenging question: What can I give a governor who has it all?
  • Penicillin
  • A small scrapbook of things you've done with him
  • A mirror
  • $499 in small bills
  • Attention - approval - your time - encouragement - laughter
  • Immunity from prosecution

Looks like those Islamic fascists are at it again

Why a female teacher was recently fired: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

Or could it have been Christian scripture? Call up the National Guard, we're going to Watertown, New York, to fight for democracy and equal rights!

Monday, August 21, 2006

How to play the Slap Game

  1. Find a voter (or future voter).
  2. Face each other.
  3. Have your voter hold out his or her hand, palm down.
  4. Hold out your hand, palm up, about an inch below your voter's hand.
  5. Attempt to bring your hand over and slap your voter by taking away a welfare program -- while he or she tries to hold on it.
  6. After you've successfully slapped your voter with three budget cuts, you win.
"Give me some skin, bro!"
  • Don't slap too hard (at first).
  • Be careful not to be indicted before your first term is up.
  • Look into the voters' eyes when you tell them lies. They'll never see the slap coming.

With U.S. in its free agency year, Dems offer a Contract

Remember the grand Republican Contract with America? It set the course for the 104th Congress and quickly restored the faith and trust of the American people in their government. Now the copycat Democrats are releasing their own Plan, a little book by Rep. Rahm Emanuel and political hack Bruce Reed that basically plagiarizes all the GOP ideas that have worked so well over the past decade.

The Daley Show is pleased to compare the two contracts, so that Americans can choose which team to sign with for the next two years.

Proposal 1: A new social contract -- universal citizen service, universal college access, universal retirement savings, and universal children's health care -- that makes clear what you can do for your country and what your country can do for you.

GOP response: You want to know what you can do for your country? Universal service sounds like a good place to start. Call your Army recruiter today. Clear enough for you?

Proposal 2: A return to fiscal responsibility and an end to corporate welfare as we know it.

GOP response: Now you're sounding like us! Fiscal responsibility means cutting those wasteful welfare programs. Congress needs to live under the same budget constraints as families and businesses, which means no more free lunch for every "poor" person walking in the door.

Proposal 3: Tax reform to help those who aren't wealthy build wealth.

GOP response: You want to get rich quick? We've got a $50 million bounty on Osama bin Laden's head. Join the military and go find yourself some terrorist scumbag.

Proposal 4: A new strategy to use all America's strengths to win the war on terror.

GOP response: Already doing that. America's strengths are called the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. Oh, and government subcontractors.

Proposal 5: A Hybrid Economy that cuts America's gasoline consumption in half over the next decade.

GOP response: We've been talking about cutting America's dependence on foreign oil for years now, and still you don't want to drill in Alaska. What is the matter with you people?

Between Iraq and a hard place

As he ponders a run for the White House, U.S. Sen. Barack Obama feels caged in by his loyalties to Hillary and his lack of national political experience.

I say free Barack Obama!
I'm begging you
Free Barack Obama!
(Chicago Tribune/Pete Souza)

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Goodbye, Fair lady

There once a state fair queen, who lived in a shoe ...
Heard on Newsradio78 this morning that officials are hoping to set an attendance record at this year's Illinois State Fair. That would be a heckuva lot of corn dogs and deep fried cheesecake.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Any other final requests ...

... before your execution ... I mean, the execution of the Common Sense Express publicity stunt?

Judy Baar Topinka and the other Republicans running for statewide office left on a 34-city bus tour of Illinois, starting Friday morning at the Lincoln Depot in Springfield. Topinka said the tour will reach out to downstate voters who feel abandoned by Democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Judging by the paltry turnout Thursday at the State Fair and Friday at the bus ride kickoff, Topinka is the one feeling abandoned right about now.

Just how large and painful will GOP's budget cuts be?

Let's turn to the Republican team for an explanation of governor candidate Judy Baar Topinka's proposed cost-saving restructuring of Medicaid.

"It'll hurt just a tiny little bit."
"They (not I, of course) will only cut this much."
"Actually, the cuts will be massive."
"But only those people in Chicago will feel the pain."
"No, every person in this state will suffer if I'm elected."Finally,
a detailed plan from someone who will give a rat's behind that she is governor.

"Gosh, Judy, this plan stinks."
I wanna go home!

Does this really look like 1,000 people?

According to other sources, more than 1,000 turned out for the Republican Day at the state fair. Subtract the other candidates and members of the press, and you really had about 100. I asked a local photographer the next day about the inflated number, and he said that he's bad at estimating crowds, "but the reporter who wrote the article," he said before interrupting himself to talk to someone else.

But the reporter who wrote the article ... WHAT??
... asked the Topinka people how many people were there?
... looked at the photo (above) and multiplied by 20?
... took a wild guess?

Bonus question: Can you spot me in this Chicago Tribune photo?
(Charles Osgood photo)

Friday, August 18, 2006

Unanimous support for the Grand Old Beer

The Republicans had a day at the State Fair yesterday, all their "united" candidates were there, and while Judy Baar Topinka and the others talked about the evils of Chicago in general and Rod Blagojevich in particular, an inquisitive photographer walked around wondering, "What brought these one hundred or so people here?"

"I'm just here for the Bud Light."

"We're just here for the Bud Light."

"You look like you could use another Bud Light!"

GOP dream team

How could you not want to vote for this dynamic duo in November?

"I love you THIS much!"

Judy Baar Topinka has a hug for each person attending Republican Day festivities at the Illinois State Fair Friday. All 100 of us.

Grip and grin and bear it

At this point in her life, Judy Baar Topinka wonders what she's gotten herself into. And how can she get out? Maybe by making some joke about Rod Blagojevich never being in Springfield.

Ugly people for Topinka

A woman wearing a GOP cap and cheering all the GOP candidates carries a sign saying: "Democrats for Topinka." Yeah, lady, we believe you're a Dem. She was the only person there with a homemade sign. And this was the best she could come up with. Sad.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Daley Show named 'biggest pile of crap' at State Fair

Well, not yet, but with the excitement of today being Republican Day and all, the Daley Show staff is heading to the Illinois State Fair in Springfield. Yee-haw! Look for live blogging from the event later (or, if I can't find an Internet cafe at the fairgrounds, check for hard-hitting reports and pictures starting tomorrow).

Nation breathes a sigh of relief

A little white girl died almost a decade ago, and America's law enforcement efforts and prayers have been focused on finding her killer ever since. Those efforts seem to have paid off as a suspect in the case confessed to the crime yesterday.

"The world is a better place today," the U.S. Attorney General's office said in a statement. "Now if we can only find the killer of that poor girl who disappeared in Aruba, all will be well."

There has been no word from police, however, on the status of the thousands of unsolved inner city murders in these past ten years.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Show your luv 4 the Bla-governor

News you can use: Drivers can visit the Pick-A-Plate section of [Secretary of State Jesse White's] Web site at They can choose their vehicle and type of plate they're looking for and then see if the combination of letters and numbers they want is available.
Let's see ... what's available?

Score! For $123, you can tell the world who you're voting for in November with your very own "BLAGO" passenger car vanity plate. This purchase just may lead to a state job in the fall. Also available ...


If you're one of the 13 people in the state planning to vote Republican, sorry, "TOPINKA" is taken and "JUDY BAAR" has too many letters. Perhaps you can get tell us all that "ROD SUX," which is available, although the site does say that all plates must be approved by Jesse White.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

If you can't pass the test, teach

News Item: The Illinois State Board of Education voted Thursday to lower the passing score on the social science/history test that teachers must pass before receiving their licenses, saying that too many prospective teachers were failing the exam.

The board voted unanimously to drop the bar from 64 to 57, making it significantly easier for teacher candidates to pass. A score of 57 means the test taker answered 57 of 100 questions correctly, state officials said.

Meanwhile, in a typical Chicago high school, here's the grading scale (I hear this is the official CPS grading scale, though I can't find it on the website):
A = 95-100
B = 88-94
C = 81-87
D = 75-80
F = Below 75 (Failure)

Proving once again that those who can, do. Those who can't pass the teaching test, teach anyway.

Who's a lady?

In west suburban Addison, someone said this yesterday: "She's a lady. She teaches women today that they can be strong, but don't have to be abrasive. She's loved her husband through good and bad. He's not a perfect man. Who is?"

Who is this strong woman?

A. Laura Bush

B. Hillary Clinton

C. Judy Baar Topinka

D. Condoleeza Rice

Hint: Even though she's deeply in love with George, Condoleeza is not legally married to him.