Mission Accomplished

Thank you. Thank you all very much.

Admiral Kelly, Captain Card, friends and family, my fellow Americans, major shopping operations have ended. In the battle of Christmas, the United States and, more importantly, I have prevailed.

And now I am engaged in securing and wrapping the presents.

In this battle, we have fought for the cause of bargains and for peace at home. Our nation and our coalition are proud of this accomplishment, yet it is you, the consumers of the United States, who achieved it. Your courage, your willingness to face danger in the mall parking lots made this day possible.

Operation Buy the Presents was carried out with a combination of precision and speed and boldness the enemy, Father Time, did not expect and the world had not seen before ...

Now someone give me goddamned beer.