Ice, ice baby: Ask Stan, Da Streets and Sans Answer Man

Q. With two short shopping days before Christmas, Michigan Avenue retailers are freaking out that shoppers will stay away because two women were hit by falling ice yesterday. Suburbanites, meanwhile, are wondering about the seasonal "Caution: Falling Ice" signs that are out again. What are we supposed to do with that information, they wonder, walk down the middle of the street and risk getting hit by a bike messenger? And what are the chances we'll get hit?

A. Chances are greater that you'll get shot in da head by a stray bullet walkin' to da Jewels on New Year's. Does dat mean yer gonna stop lookin' for a cheap new-construction condo in da newest gentrifyin' area? Hell no! What yer gonna do is buy this here official Chicago hard hat and walk safely and proudly down any street in this fine city. C'mon, it ain't gonna be embarrassing or nothin'. It's just a precaution, like all them Chinese wearing little face masks during da SARS epidemic.