Saturday, May 27, 2006

Next we'll be blamin' it on the rain

Animal lovers are scratching their heads and behinds about a Chicago plan to use scare tactics to fight urban problems this year. Let's take a closer look:

The Problem: Polluted Lake Michigan waters.
Common Sense Says: Humans are dumping too much shit into the environment.
Chicago's Solution: Have dogs run around on the beaches, scaring off birds.

What's next???

The Problem: Congestion on city streets
Common Sense Says: Pissed off because of poor public transportation service, people drive too much.
Chicago's Solution: Kill off squirrel population. The pesky critters run into streets, causing drivers to slam on brakes, which causes accidents and/or traffic back-ups.

The Problem: Dog fights as sport
Common Sense Says: Cruel motherfuckers must be hunted down and jailed.
Chicago's Solution: Make certain dog breeds illegal.

The Problem: Corrupt public officials, hiring scandals, mob ties, etc.
Common Sense Says: Yeah, Daley knew about all this stuff, bring on the indictments!
Chicago's Solution: Kill all black cats for bringing so much bad luck.

The Problem: Global warming
Common Sense Says: Stop driving so damn much, regulate industry, discover/use alternative fuels, sign Kyoto Protocol.
Chicago's Solution: Make the city a cow-free zone (hell, we've already made everyone safe from annihilation by making Chicago a nuclear-free zone, so why not).

The Problem: Drug sales/shootings in public places
Common Sense Says: Legalize and/or decriminalize drugs.
Chicago's Solution: Ban carrier pigeons.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If only they would kill the squirrels. Those MFs are running the show.

8:33 AM  
Anonymous Mr. Molitor said...

Regarding dogs on the beach... When they proposed the dog beach at montrose beach, all the bird lovers adamantly opposed it claiming they would scare away all the birds away from the bird sanctuary located almost a mile away from the beach. Also environmentalists were upset that it would have an adverse effect on the water conditions nearby. Now in it's 3rd or 4th year, there has been zero effect on the bird population there and the lake water is just as bad as it was before. I love when people oppose something and then shut the hell up when that apocalytic event does not occur. On another note it's about time the city invested money in to signal beach warnings. It was always funny watching the life guards yelling at swimmers to get out of the water. Most people had no idea when they went swimming because there was no way to tell.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if the city will accept volunteer dogs to run around and scare the birds away ... know anyone with dogs?

3:03 PM  
Blogger Tony said...

Nice Milli Vanilli reference in the headline.

I think the ultimate solution here, really, is to kill all the cats.

2:23 PM  
Anonymous bored silly said...

Where'd you go AP? Say something funny!

8:57 PM  
Blogger Tony said...

He's busy taking my advice, and killing all the cats.

Really, it's the only true solution.

8:26 AM  
Anonymous DCash said...

I'm in 100% agreeance with Tony - it's the cats, the m.f. cats. I mean, seriously, if we got rid of cats wholesale then so many human problems would be immediately solved -- allergies, for one, S.I.D.S., for another...

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where are you, Andy? We need your insight on the whole Stroger debacle!

10:33 AM  

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