Thursday, January 12, 2006

One nation under a corporate logo

For the past God-knows-how-many years, I've been struggling to find a purpose in life. A guy who visited the Chicago area yesterday may have inspired me ... to live!

His name: Winter (yup, he legally changed it)
His goal: Visit every Starbucks in the world
His rules: Drink something caffeinated. Usually a free sample
His former self: Dull computer programmer
His current status: Celebrity, with a documentary about him coming soon
His motivation: "My collectors instinct keeps me going."
His accomplishments: 5,500+ Starbucks in the past eight years
His reflections: "I am enjoying life—bottom line. You can't put a price on that."

You can read all about him in the Daily Herald. Then, you can help me come up with my own equally admirable corporate quest within the city limits. It needs to be something that proves my loyalty to this great land, something that will help keep our economy strong. So far, here are some ideas ...

Goal: Visit every Home Depot, Menards, and Lowes
Rules: Find any given item in less than one minute

Goal: Visit every Walgreens, Osco and CVS
Rules: Buy a sale item without a coupon or "savings" card

Goal: Relieve self in every urinal at U.S. Cellular Field
Rules: Like vast majority of men, resist temptation to wash hands

Goal: Visit every McDonald's restaurant
Rules: Suck down a packet of extra fancy ketchup

Goal: Visit every bar with a Miller Lite neon sign in the window
Rules: Ignore everyone else as I watch sports on multiple screens

Not sure which one I can accomplish ... but with a little positive reinforcement, I'm sure I can remain strong and become, what, a better citizen of this great nation.


Anonymous art attack said...

how about visit every bar in Chicago that has an Old Style sign. Esp. since Chicago is losing these at a very quick rate ever since Mayor Daley has proclaimed local bars bad, big national sports bars and coffee chains good. Or instead of Home Depot, visit all the True Value and Ace Hardware stores. Sure they are nationwide corporate chain, but each one is independently owned and going out of business very quickly as well because of Mayor Daley's close connections with Home Depot. Not sure what you would do at any of these places but stick with the old school side of the city is my mantra.

8:36 AM  
Anonymous The Mom said...

The purpose of your life is evident to all that read your blogs. Search no further....

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Molitor said...

Art Attack- what are Daley's close connections to home depot?

2:15 PM  
Anonymous jenska said...

I think the point is to GO to the chains, not avoid them. How about eat a grape from every Jewel?

3:08 PM  
Blogger ap said...

Eating a grape at every Jewel is an ironic suggestion ... I just learned about the Latin American tradition of eating twelve grapes at midnight on New Year's. As you eat each one, you make a wish for each month of the year ...

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Molitor said...

I like my idea of a pub crawl that keeps going up a street. When you stop one night you start off where you ended previously. I wonder how far you could end up going........

4:15 PM  
Anonymous art attack said...

how about you stop wherever you puke and then the next day you find the stain on the sidewalk and continue.

4:52 PM  
Anonymous jenska said...

Yeah, each grape at Jewel could be a wish you make. The pub idea is good, too, though! You'd go one for years! And would have some volunteers to keep you company, I'm sure.

7:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about visiting every CTA bus stop and recording how long the wait was at each stop. That should take forever!

10:56 AM  

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