When in doubt, go high-profile

A couple of recent convenient political publicity stunts:

Cook County Sheriff Michael Sheahan personally nabbed a drug suspect Friday after the hospitalized woman slipped past one of his guards -- who was cited earlier in the day for leaving her unattended. CONVENIENT that the sheriff all of a sudden looks like a badass after he looked so bad recently, with jail escapes and inmate shootings at the county jail.

Secret recordings of Saddam Hussein surface, revealing that, in the mid-1990s, he predicted a terrorist attack on the U.S. Oh sure, he also said that the attack wouldn't come from Iraq, but he did say that Iraq was hiding WMDs from U.N. inspectors and interested in biological weapons. CONVENIENT that these secret recordings are made public when approval ratings for the president's war in Iraq are at an all-time low.

The newspapers love this kind of stuff. Top story: Sheriff nabs suspect who fled hospital. (Problems at the jail? What problems?) The public loves this, too. Just watch approval for the war go up as soon as Americans realize that, wait a minute, we never did find proof of anything, but there is a tape that shows Saddam was a bad, bad man.

That said, here are some predicted local and international headlines for the coming week that conveniently take the heat off the real problem:

Defense team: Ryan actually got cash from Powerball win
"And he wants to share his winnings with the people of this state."

Cardinal George kicks accused priest's ass, excommunicates him
"When I say the church is getting tough on priests that molest, I mean it."

Bla-governor reads bedtime story to state's children
"Kids love my version of 'The GOP That Stole Preschool'"

Daley hires a Latino
"I love Tex-Mex food."

GOP candidates for governor drop out of race
"See? We are a united party," they say in joint statement

Cheney victim hit by car, admits clumsiness
"I totally didn't see it. I must be getting old. My bad!"

Bush shows solidarity with New Orleans, parties at Mardi Gras
"I feel your pain. Now show me your tits!"

Palestinians overthrow Hamas
"We thought we had voted for hummus."

Pakistanis riot over undelivered SI swimsuit issue
"See, we share American values. We want out soft porn!"