Thursday, February 16, 2006

Governor revises ambitious budget

SPRINGFIELD (ap) -- Gov. Rod Blagojevich released details of his budget proposal for fiscal year 2007, which starts July 1. Republicans laughed. Blagojevich went back to the old drawing board, worked all night, and is planning to release this modified budget later today (additions are in italics):

• BOTTOM LINE: $45.4 billion in operating expenses, an increase of 4.2 percent, plus $9.95 billion in alibi construction and security detail's mountain bike maintenance costs.

• WHERE IT GOES: 33.2 percent to companies that employ welfare moms; 25.7 percent sex education; 16.1 percent human services (ie, prostitutes); 11.2 percent government services (ie, prostitutes); 7.1 percent economic erotic development; 5 percent public safety displays of affection awareness campaign; 1.6 percent to tell Judy Baar to mind her own business and environmental regulation.

• NEW MONEY: $1.38 billion, including $878 million in natural tax-revenue growth gas company profits.

• EDUCATION: $440 million in new funding, including offering preschool non-violent video games to every 3- and 4-year-old and $10 million in grants to schools to reduce class teachers' dress sizes; plus $90 million in tax credits beer money to college freshmen and sophomores who maintain a "B" average and a fake ID.

• PENSIONS: $437 million to government pension of Canada prescription systems; additional money possible from selling state assets asses for $30 million (goodbye, Jim Oberweis!), selling the long-dormant 10th casino license to highest bidding mob outfit and encouraging teachers and state employees to delay retirement commit suicide.

• HEALTH: $10 million for a program to offer health coverage morning-after pills to low-income veterans who live too far from veterans' medical centers to come in for abortions; $3 million to expand the number shorten the length of nurses' skirts; $15 million for stem cell hair care product research.

• PRISONS: Partially open Thomson Correctional Center with 75 guards and 200 inmates, including at least one guard who will help inmates escape ; open a 200-bed unit for treating methamphetamine users and alleged sex offender-priests at Southwestern Illinois Correctional Center in East St. Louis.

• CIGARETTE TAX: $10 million from a tax on cigars to fight a statewide smoking ban.

• ENVIRONMENT: $16.5 million more for the Department of Natural Resources, including $1 million for a statewide water supply survey and enhancements at parks and natural areas to build a wall separating Illinois and Wisconsin; increased money for reimbursement of underground storage tank Illinois winery owners who clean up contamination after spills.

Sources: Governor's Office of Mismanagement and Budget, FACT

7 Comments:

Blogger Cal Skinner said...

Thanks for one of the five laughs I need every day.

9:55 PM  
Blogger ap said...

Thank you, sir, for the compliment, and thanks for being one of the five readers I need every day ...

1:40 AM  
Anonymous didn't think it was funny said...

Where do you get the other four laughs?

8:41 AM  
Anonymous The Mom said...

I always laugh when I read the Daley Show. Lighten up....

10:22 AM  
Anonymous The Mom said...

Hey, did you know that when you post the comment, then click show original post, it's REALLY the original without your additude changes??? Is that how you want it??

10:26 AM  
Blogger ap said...

???

10:09 AM  
Anonymous The Mom said...

On this page,This post a comment on page, click "show original post" at the top. It shows the actual page you copied WITHOUT your ingenious line throughs and witticisms. I just thought you'd be puzzled by that, and you apparently are either
1. puzzled by that or
2.puzzled by my interest in looking at the original post after I've made my comment.

1:11 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home