Saturday, February 11, 2006

School targets source of obesity: Powdered sugar

News Item: A 12-year-old Aurora boy who said he brought powdered sugar to school for a science project this week has been charged with a felony for possessing a look-alike drug, Aurora police have confirmed. In a statement, East Aurora School District officials said: "The dangers of illegal drugs and controlled substances are clear. Look-alike drugs and substances can cause that same level of danger because staff and students are not equipped to differentiate between the two."

A Daley Show investigation has found that the 12-year-old powdered sugar pusher was, in fact, planning to experiment in the kitchen, hoping to build the "Mother of All Cakes" for Valentine's Day. School officials, worried about trans fats in children's diets in their district, have banned all substances linked for expanding waistlines.

The boy was reportedly planning to work on a recipe for Tres Leches Hazelnut Cake, which calls for 3/4 cup powdered sugar. Unnamed bathroom sources have indicated that he schemed to make the cake for a cute girl in the class who had turned him down at last year's holiday dance. He hoped she would eat the entire cake and gain several pounds, thereby making her unattractive.

"Saying 'just kidding' after such a threat is just not going to cut it," according to the district's statement.

Tres Leches Hazelnut Cake, according to its creator, "looks hard but is a very easy cake and well worth it." It has even been described as "a HUGE hit!"

School districts around the country are struggling with fat kids. Many schools have had to buy larger desks to accommodate students' fat asses. In such dangerous times, as the country readies itself for a War on the Waistline, Tres Leches Hazelnut Cake and other desserts have come under scrutiny.

"According to one recipe website, there are more than 8,000 recipes that call for powdered sugar," the school district's statement said. "We can't stop the Internet, but we must stop the trafficking of this dangerous substance."

A slice (326g) of Tres Leches Hazelnut cake contains the following shocking, heart-blocking statistics:

Amount Per Serving / %DV
Total Fat 57.3g / 88%
Saturated Fat 32.5g / 162%
Polyunsat. Fat 3.9g
Monounsat. Fat 17.3g
Cholesterol 293mg / 97%
Sodium 667mg / 27%
Total Carbohydrate 115.6g / 38%


Anonymous Christian said...

But it has 90%dv of your calcium! Got to admit it sounds good. The one big hole in your story is where the kid would bake it. Home ec. isn’t part of NCLB, therefore all home ec rooms now have unfunded AP classes in them.

8:59 AM  
Anonymous Earl said...

One of the best signs I have ever seen was in a bakery in Portland, Oregon. It read:

Life is short, eat dessert first.

See you in the hallways. :-)

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you start to track down the school where this kind of stupidity goes on (moronic behavior by either by district employees, by board members or by local police) you find one or more of the following: 1) school district has predominantly black or hispanic students, 2) average family income level in the district is close to the federal poverty level, 3) local area is predominately fundamentalist christian, and/or 4) local area has economic or educational deprivation.

In this case, it's 1, 2, possible 3 and 4. The kid involved is likely black and too poor to fight this obviously stupid charge. Jim Crow laws may be gone but continual harassment of blacks for the sin of being black goes on. I'm a WM btw.

school district web site

5:00 PM  
Blogger ap said...

good point ...
since aurora is a satellite suburb of Chicago, I assumed this was a white school, possibly hicksville ... I should've figured a white kid would never get busted for something like this.

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

look at points 1, 2, and 4 and you will probably see a lot of overweight kids too, possibly because fast food restaurants are so prevelant in these communities

1:48 AM  

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