Sunday, February 05, 2006

And the super bowl champion is ...

Dear Stan, the Streets and Sans Answer Man,
Is it true that we can expect toilets to burst and cities' sanitation systems to fail during halftime of today's big match? Also, who do you like in today's super bowl competition?
When I Gotta Go, I Gotta Go


Yes, it's true, toilets break every day. They especially break when people use them. Today, when all your fat buddies plug up your toilet, it just might burst.

Your second question is more intriguing. Who will come out on top and be able to claim to be truly "super"? Today's match-up will pit two powerhouses. Both are flush with talent and tradition. Both can handle the runs. Both are able to drop bombs. Both can apply the pressure. Let's take a look and decide who is the true super bowl champion.

Team 1: China
They can claim that they invented gunpowder and philosophy ("Confucius says ... Man who stand on toilet high on pot"), but until recently the Chinese used to poop in pails. User had to provide own paper or hand to wipe. On a visit to China in 1999, I was on a long train ride, feeling the effects of street vendor food. I had to go to the bathroom. I stumbled into the tiny train bathroom only to see a hole in the floor. I squatted and literally did my business on the tracks, crapping all over the vast Chinese countryside. And some people say the Chinese don't have freedom of excrement.

Team 2: Japan
The biggest problem most Westerners visiting Japan face is which way to face when using a traditional Japanese toilet. You may think this is hardly an issue, but if you squat and point your butt the wrong way you will poop into your pants. The key is to face the wall, the same way as when standing to urinate. Once you learn to balance, you realize this is a much cleaner method to use the toilet than sitting on a seat that who-knows-who was sitting on a few minutes ago.

The Champion
The French-invented bidet, widely used in Japanese homes and hotels, is finally making in-roads in the States. Trust me, there's nothing quite like a stream of warm water up your bum after a good crap, especially soothing after eating chips and spicy dip during today's game. Whatever game that is.


Anonymous The Mom said...

Penn and Teller have a program called "Bull____" and that one about the germs on the toilet is just that. They actually took samples from various toilets and compared it to germs you have in your mouth. Guess which one PROVED to have more???

8:44 AM  
Anonymous jenska said...

This post does nothing for my aprehension of foreign toilets.

4:04 PM  

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