Friday, May 05, 2006

Report City Hall shenanigans here

Dear city employee and/or citizen,

Are you honest? Are you concerned about corruption, fraud, misconduct and/or low low prices? Do you care about the City of Chicago's worldwide reputation? Then I call on you to report what you know to my office.

You may use this new Web site to report any and all wrongdoing. Please understand that I am independent of City Hall and am prohibited by law from sharing my investigation with anyone there. I have no loyalties outside this office, except to the Cubs. I am not a creature of clout.

Please take a moment to answer any and all of the questions below. You may print out the form and send it in or answer directly in the comments section. Thank you, and remember that only you can take a bite out of Mayor Daley.

Sincerely,
David Hoffman, Inspector General


REPORT CORRUPTION IN CHICAGO

Your name: _____________________ Alias: ______________

Type of corruption (check all that apply)
___ Bribery
___ Influence-peddling
___ Political hiring
___ Racism, sexism, sadomasochism, or any other -ism
___ Voting Republican in city limits
___ Charging strip club tab to city credit card

Who has ignored your previous attempts to report this wrongdoing?
___ The Department of Human Rights
___ EEOC
___ The People's Court
___ Bartender (provide name of bar: ________________________)

Please identify the individual you think most responsible for the injustice (if none, check any you think should be investigated).
___ Mayor Daley
___ Mayor's chief of staff
___ Someone else reporting directly to the Mayor
___ Alderman: ________________________
___ City contractor

How did you discreetly record this incident?
___ Microphone taped to chest
___ Phone bug
___ Squad car dashboard camera
___ Copy of ransom note
___ DNA on underpants

How much would it take to keep this quiet? (Name your price.) ______

How much to get you to testify? (Remember, this is a city agency.) ______

Have you ever received immunity for your testimony? ___ Yes ___ No

Would you like to? ___ Yes ___ No

Where have we seen you before?
___ 10 o'clock news
___ press conference
___ sleeping in city truck
___ Ryan jury
___ That wasn't me

Please type your report in the space below. Remember to provide as much detail as possible, especially the specific facts that play well on television, such as EXACT DOLLAR AMOUNTS, EXPLICIT SEX ACTS, and NAMES and PHONE NUMBERS OF WIVES and GIRLFRIENDS, wherever possible. The more information you provide us, the more thoroughly embarrassing this investigation can be during an election year.

Remember, all of our pending investigative files are strictly confidential and can only be accessed by people in City government for an exorbitant fee. Your identity will be protected to the maximum extent of the law, until your face appears in the papers.





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2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if this qualifies, but here's a legitimate complaint: Why is the mail on my street not delivered until after 5 p.m.? But on Saturday, the carrier gets it there in the morning?

12:31 PM  
Anonymous art attak said...

That would be a compalint to the US government, these complaints are for only CHICAGO problems. And teh readon is that your mailman is lazy but the guy on Saturday is a temp and is hoping to get a full time job so he can not deliver mail until after 5.

3:02 PM  

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