Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Blogging on a full bladder

"There's a difference between going in the middle of the street, in front of God and country, and somebody who is behind a Dumpster." --Ken Ortmann, a St. Louis alderman, who wants to lower the penalties for public urination before the Feb. 25 Mardi Gras Parade.

A few quick thoughts (hopefully this'll take less time than a trip to the bathroom):

  • Probably the turning point in the movie "40-Year-Old Virgin" is when the main character, out on the town with his work buddies, pees in public. "I'm peeing in public!" he yells happily. This is when he starts becoming a man. This is also when the movie starts becoming formulaic and boring.

  • Public urination in St. Louis is now classified as lewd and lascivious conduct, which carries a penalty of 90 days in jail, a $100 to $500 fine, or both. This is harsher than any alcohol-related or other lewd act in Chicago. That kid who stripped naked on the CTA Red Line over the weekend just got some pepper spray in the face, a stun gun shot in the butt cheeks, and a whole lot of media coverage.

  • What's more lewd--a man urinating in public or a woman doing it? At the South Side Irish Parade every year, yeah, you see guys peeing up against garages. But turning a corner and seeing a woman squatting in the alley is especially disheartening, if you ask me.

  • Over the holidays, someone spotted a yellow message in the snow: "Happy New Year!" I tried to duplicate the feat, but only got as far as "HAPP." I think my penmanship was better.

  • What's the most disgusting thing to touch in a public bathroom? Is it the flush handle, the faucet, or the doorknob? Some may argue that touching yourself is most disgusting, but that's beside the point. I say the worst is the doorknob, considering all those idiots who don't wash up end up opening the door with their filthy hands. And ladies, honestly, don't be fooled, it's a FACT: 57% of men don't wash after going to the bathroom.

  • What's the deal with bathroom attendants? Do I really need someone to hand me a paper towel after I wash up? And what's a proper tip for one of these guys? I do suppose one of their functions is to shame men into actually washing their hands.

  • What's the deal with breaking the seal? Is it a physiological or psychological phenomenon?

  • Hey, speaking of the St. Louis Mardi Gras, who wants to go? (Blogging is the new evite.) We can discuss these and other equally family-friendly topics on the drive down.

  • And speaking of lewd and lascivious conduct, who wants to see Number Nine at Double Door tonight?


    Anonymous art attack said...

    I'll be out of town, so will not be able to make the Mardi Gras and will also not be able to make the number 9 show tonight

    4:04 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Do people get arrested for public urination or is it simply a manifestation of public drunkenness? I know people who have been arrested or ticketed, however, they were all drunk and belligerant. However, in all fairness, street people must publiclly urinate both drunk and sober. When these public urination codes are enforced, are they simply acting out of their disgust and misunderstanding of this otherwise ****** community?

    4:24 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Here's an idea: Street people can join fitness clubs. That way, they can urinate legally and shower every day. There's nothing worse than smelly homeless people. Or by street people did you mean prostitutes?

    6:22 PM  
    Anonymous The Mom said...

    "The Big Game Halftime Flush Raises Serious Clog Concerns"
    You bring up some interesting points. Ditka thinks along the same line as you do, and he's doing something about it. Can you fix the link so others can view it?

    9:26 AM  
    Blogger kevin said...

    Here you go, mom...

    The Big Game Halftime Flush Raises Serious Clog Concerns"

    4:15 PM  
    Anonymous Brendan Fevola Public Urination said...

    Interesting syllogism you've implied: that public urination is formulaic and boring.

    A friend of mine got done for public urination and what he missed out on in pepper spray in the face and stun gun shot in the butt cheeks, he made up for with the media coverage.

    In the age of equality, women have as much right to public urination as the next man.

    If it's a FACT that 57% of men don't wash after going to the bathroom, what about the guys who don't go to the bathroom to go to the bathroom.

    Which reminds me. Why say 'bathroom' when your going to use the toilet? Is toilet such an offensive word? It's not like anybody believes you are going to take a bath. Though that may help get the other 43% to wash their hands.

    4:47 AM  

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