Wonder if they'd be able to sit through this post ...

News item: College counselors at high schools nationwide are speaking out about the new length of the SAT, which, at 3 hours and 45 minutes, is too long for students to take in one sitting, they say. A group of about 200 high school counselors and some college admissions officers have signed an open letter to the College Board, asking for students to have the option to take the three parts of the exam separately.

I am not one of this nation's college counselors, but I do hand out free advice to anyone that asks. Example: "No, Billy, I don't think college will ever be the right fit for you. Here, why don't you read over this glossy brochure from the 'army of one.' Wouldn't you like to be in an army of one? No one would ever mess with you again. What? Oh, I realize you're only 14, but you can sign this form right now and we'll pick you up in four years. What? No, no, you don't have to tell your parents about it."

In my role as recruiter, um scratch that, as adviser, I have closely examined the results of a five-year study by the international research organization FACT. The incomplete study, WUSSUP (Were U Sayin' Somethin' U Peon?), looked at the attention spans of American teenagers, as well as people. Among other things, WUSSUP has found ...

99.6% of teens cannot identify Sierra Leone on a map, but they can correctly identify these lyrics: "Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger / But she ain't messin' wit no broke niggaz." Answer: Kanye West's "Gold Digger," which has nothing to do with gold or slave-trade diamonds.

92.4% of Chicagoans who turn on today's Bears game will sit through every single play, every single unconverted third down, every single missed tackle, every single shot of an agitated coach on the sidelines. This is despite the fact that NFL games, which once lasted two-and-a-half hours, now clock in at three-and-a-half hours, with commercial breaks every time the ball hits the ground and ten-minute delays for the ref to watch a replay on the world's smallest monitor.

78.3% of evening news viewers hear only 10-second sound bites anytime the president delivers a speech. Take this simple quiz to determine the accuracy of these findings:

1. Identify this speaker: "I did not have sex with that woman."
2. Identify this speaker: "I will not play the blame-game."

Exactly! That's all most American heard after their two most recent presidents engaged in scandalous behavior. One screwed a woman, the other screwed the country ... but we all know who did a fancy touchdown dance after making a seven-yard reception to bring up third and three. Wait, sorry, got a little distracted there.

That said, my time is up (Bears pre-game starts momentarily), so I'll finish with a little prediction: If the Democrats take over Congress during next year's mid-term elections, they will not impeach the most corrupt president of our lifetime. Instead, at least one of them will make news and lose his job for engaging in sex, maybe even gay sex! Ah, that'll get our attention.