When 'you're only hurting yourself' isn't enough

SPRINGFIELD (ap) -- Sexual deviants around the state are nervously waiting to see if the new law against self-neglect will curb their pleasures. Governor Rod R. Blagojevich today signed House Bill 4676 into law, which bans self-neglect beginning January 1, 2007.

Area masochists--who derive sexual pleasure or gratification by having pain inflicted on them--feel that Illinois lawmakers are attempting to beat, humiliate, torture, or otherwise make them suffer with the new law. "And to be honest, it's turning me on," said one masochist.

The law will affect a wide range of people and relationships, not just the elderly as reported elsewhere. Women will now be required to report friends who continue dating men "who are bad for them." Parents must report children who don't eat their vegetables. Even homeless people who see other homeless spending all their hard-earned handouts on lottery tickets must report the self-neglect.

"Government has a responsibility to help those most deserving of our support -- the poor, the sick, the young and, of course, the elderly," said Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, carefully tip-toeing around the mention of masochists.

Under the new law, self-neglect is defined as a condition resulting from the inability to perform essential self-care tasks that threaten the person's health. This includes providing essential food, clothing, shelter, and health care, and obtaining goods and services needed to maintain physical health, mental health, emotional wellbeing and general safety.