Monday, January 30, 2006

Live at the GOP debate

Moderator: Hello, and welcome to today's debate among Republican candidates for governor here in Champaign. Today we will examine various issues important to the state and find out the differences among these candidates so that you, the Republican voters of Illinois, can begin to think about who you might want to vote for in the primary. Our first question is this: What makes you different?

Jim Oberweis: Well, with all due respect to the other candidates, I'd like to say that I'm by far the biggest psycho.

Ron Gidwitz: Mr. Oberweis would like people to think he's the most psychotic, but I'll have you know that I'm a psycho too.

Bill Brady: Oh, oh, oh, I'm psycho too, I'm psycho too!

Oberweis: These gentlemen would like you to think they're as psychotic as I am, but look at me. I look like a psycho!

Gidwitz: Yeah? Well, I'm bald. And bald guys are pretty psychotic.

Bill Brady: OK, OK, I'm handsome. The handsome devil.

Moderator: And Ms. Judy Baar Topinka, who was unable to attend tonight, would like everyone to know that she's as psychotic as any other Republican. Next question: Which of you has the best chance to beating Gov. Blagojevich in the fall?

Candidates (in unison): I can!

Moderator: Thank you. Next: What will you do to fight crime, especially in suburban Chicago, where murder rates are up?

Gidwitz: I'll lift the moratorium on the death penalty ... if we can make sure no innocent people will die.

Brady: I'll lift it too, but only as long if we execute poor people. From the inner city, not the hard working people of downstate.

Oberweis: I say we round up the illegals and execute 'em all.

Moderator: Thank you. I hope I don't need to say this, but Ms. Topinka would also like the state to start killing people again too. Next question is this: Gov. Blagojevich has been trying to provide health coverage to children and the poor people of Illinois. Do you agree of disagree?

Oberweis: Quite frankly, it was tried in the Soviet Union and it didn't work very well.

Brady: I say let the parents take care of those little kids. Better yet, let the free market do it.

Gidwitz: I agree. We need to look at ways of cutting costs and lowering taxes.

Moderator: How would you save money for the people of Illinois?

Gidwitz: We need to bring our costs back under control. It needs to stop.

Brady: Blagojevich has been spending too much money. I'd stop that.

Oberweis: Blagojevich sounds to me like some kind of illegal. Someone should check that out.

Moderator. Ms. Topinka would like people to know that she has a foreign-sounding name too. Now, gentlemen, please say something nasty to one of the other candidates, so that the local news channels have something to show tomorrow and the voters can remember a three-second sound bite.

Gidwitz: I can't think of a single positive thing to say about Rod Blagojevich.

Oberweis: Any one of us on this stage, plus Ms. Topinka who could not be here tonight, would be better than Blagojevich.

Brady: Hey hey, ho ho, this Blagojevich guy has got to go!

Moderator: No, I mean, say something nasty about someone on this stage.

Brady: Jim, it takes more than selling ice cream to be a good governor.

Oberweis: Good one, Bill. Want to talk about all the illegals in Soldier Field too?

Gidwitz: I have something to do with the schools! Chicago schools are terrible!

Moderator: Thank you. Also joining us tonight are little-known Republican Andy Martin and Constitution Party candidate Randall Stufflebeam. Gentlemen, do you have anything to say?

Martin: These candidates make it all sound so easy in a political forum, but it's not easy.

Stufflebeam: Nah, I'm good.

Moderator: Thank you. Ms. Topinka would like everyone to know that she's good too. Final comments anyone? You get two seconds each. Go!

Brady: Abortion pill bad! Blagojevich bad! I'm good!

Gidwitz: I will take a two-year break from fundraising if elected.

Oberweis: Got gov?

Moderator: Thank you all. Ms. Topinka would like to echo all the sentiments. Here on America's newest network, the CW, we now present the new hit comedy from Al Jazeera, That Darn Jew.


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