Chicago's next big ban

On the heels of their brave stand against foie gras yesterday, Chicago aldermen are busy working on the following ordinances:

• Everybody's Honored with a Street Name act: Every single Chicagoan, living and dead, will get a block-long stretch of a city street named after him or her. Some streets, already with two or three brown "honorary" street names, will have up to 20 designations. This follows a dispute over honoring slain Black Panthers leader Fred Hampton. Ald. Pat O'Connor, the unofficial City Council floor leader, announced the move by saying, "I'll do Dan Hampton, Lionel Hampton or a week in the Hampton." The three honorary Hampton streets will run in O'Connor's 40th ward.
• The Pure Heroin act: Drug dealers will no longer be allowed to sell heroin laced with fentanyl. This follows dozens of news reports of overdoses, reports that have sickened dealers to death and cut into sales.
  
• A Jury of One's Peers law: Following embarrassing revelations about jurors' sordid backgrounds that surfaced after the guilty verdict in the corruption trial of former Gov. George Ryan (R-Kankakee), future juries of indicted officials will be composed only of other public officials. This follows testimony by Betty Loren-Maltese, the former Cicero town president currently serving jail time, that public officials can't get a fair trial "because of all the free shit we've gotten over the years."
  
• Ban on Gasoline: Because of the damaging effects of the internal combustion engine on the environment, Chicago hopes to be the first big city in the United States with a comprehensive gasoline ban. So far, only a handful of small towns in Vermont and Oregon have gone green, allowing only solar- and wind-powered cars.
• The Anti-Anti-Immigrants ordinance: Only restaurants that employ at least one illegal immigrant will get City Hall's lunch business.