Thursday, January 05, 2006

Chicago Olympic games will usher in a new era

OK, so it's official: The Olympics will take place in Chicago in 2016. Well, not quite. It's official that we are bidding for the 2016 games. No, that's not it. It's official that we are in the process of possibly thinking of bidding for the 2016 Summer Olympics, even though we really haven't talked to anyone about it yet, but you see, a city needs to move forward or else it's stuck in reverse and when you're stuck in reverse you need to move ahead, and so really, we are just floating the idea of starting a committee to look into the whole thing right now. Officially.

"I'd like to make it clear that we haven't bid for the Olympics," Mayor Daley said yesterday. "No decision has been made about whether or not we will do so."

He'd also like to make it clear that he hasn't announced his re-election campaign. Plus, really, he had no idea what his underlings were up to when they took those bribes or hired those people or anything bad like that. He's a busy guy, and there's a lot going on in the city that he doesn't know about.

But anyway, one thing is certain: When there's a hint of possibly building a new 80,000-seat stadium and, who knows, maybe trying to get another NFL team into Chicago, really we're already at the stage of choosing a name for the team. Done deal. It's gonna happen.

So, with the Olympics coming here, and the city setting up a Web site that will ask the public about future uses for facilities built for the Olympics, it's time to educate the world about some of the games we play here every day. We may be the fattest, not fittest, people in the country, but we all participate in daily Olympic events. Introducing:


  • Homerun Ball Throw-Back: Similar to shot put, this game involves speed, coordination, and strength. When the opposing team hits a homerun, you must first scramble to catch the ball (usually on a bounce off your neighbor's head) and then see how far you can throw the ball. Can you hit the cut-off man better than Sammy Sosa, Corey Patterson or other former Cubs great? Can you make it to second on one bounce?

  • Bank Heist Dash: Including many elements of track and field, in this sport, you must jump over the supermarket bank branch counter, fill your sweatshirt with cash, and run to your getaway car quicker than the stockboy can cleanup the spill in aisle five and before you get a ticket for parking in the loading zone.

  • Historic Building Tear-Down: Requiring skill, luck, and some friends in City Hall, this game tests your ability to get a permit to tear down a building and create a new empty lot before the landmarks preservation committee can meet.

  • Milking a Championship: For how long can you keep your audience's attention? Can you sell souvenirs and memorabilia from your championship season five years after it happens? Ten years? Twenty years? Will the local media cover your reunions and fans continue to love you 25 years later?

  • Dodge the Drive-By: An urban obstacle course: How safely can you walk through your not-quite-gentrified neighborhood at night?

  • Bicycle Lane Obstacle Course: Potholes, puddles, parked and moving cars, and angry dogs await you as you cycle in what you thought was a place just for you on the road.

  • Big Money Hand-Off: Join the fun! Get a job or city contract or driver's license with money and friends, not qualifications.

  • Create a Curse: So your team hasn't won a World Series since the Ferris Wheel was a modern thrill ride, big deal! Just grab another beer, check out all the babes in the stands, and make up an excuse why your team didn't win this year.

    Image of Ferris Wheel from the World's Columbian Exposition of 1893 borrowed from


    Anonymous jenska said...

    I hate the idea of the Olympics in Chicago. Tons of money being spent on building sports facilities that will be empty and useless right after. A 2nd NFL team? Hasn't the city seen enough division with Cubs vs. Sox rivalries? Plus, it means more construction and traffic and those creepy Olympic mascots that don't make any sense to anyone.

    1:50 PM  
    Anonymous Mr. Molitor said...

    It's very funny how people change directions. My sister was originally planning on taking the whole month off and leaving town during the Athens olympics when they won the bid. She ended up getting involved with the event planning and ended up meeting a ton of the athletes and collecting pins. It's funny how people change. Personally I'm against the olympics not only coming to Chicago but the US itself. What gives us the right to have it every 20 yrs? It would be nice to have them in South America or Africa.

    3:14 PM  
    Blogger Jenska said...

    I agree, let's switch it up a bit. Isn't New York bidding for an Olympics in the near future? That's an even worse idea than Chicago...way to make us safer, have a lower profile, GB! And does anyone know if dogsledding is a winter olympics sport? Mr. Molitor is probably right, I bet I 'd get into the festivities if they were here (I'd be buying Chicago Olympics t's for all my Cali family!) since I am a bit of a geek and generally watch the events.

    5:17 PM  
    Anonymous Mr. Molitor said...

    Dogsledding is not a sport. I don't believe the only olympic sport that involved animals is horse jumping (don't know the official name)

    8:51 AM  
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