Saturday, November 26, 2005

Taking Mayor Daley to Saturday School

It's Saturday, which means it's time to go to school. That is, the mayor wishes the children of Chicago would go to school on Saturdays. He also wishes the school year were longer, the school day were longer, and teacher contracts were shorter. He'll probably think of contracting out teacher jobs to the Catholics or something.

Mayor Daley is proud to be the Education Mayor, similar to President Bush proud of being the War President. It's good for approval ratings. Since taking over the failing Chicago Public Schools last decade, he's opened at least one modern, academically challenging high school for the white kids of the city. Now he wants to get the other kids off the streets and into classrooms year-round if possible.

This idea is the result of a trip the mayor recently took to Asia. There, he saw test scores that were too good and school calendars that were too long. He put too and too together, and came home with a bright idea. In fact, the mayor often comes back from foreign trips with bright ideas for improving his city. The greatest so far has been all the wrought iron fences he insisted on planting in front of every two-flat following a trip to some European city with lots of wrought iron. He returned from another trip and decided to paint extra parking lanes ... that is, bicycle lanes on random city streets. The ideas are out there, and Mayor Daley knows that he can take a vacation whenever some scandal is brewing and return with a tan and a plan.

To save Mayor Daley some trouble, I've put together some ideas he can borrow from foreign countries, things maybe he'd like to get going here. Let's begin, and let's make this city more comfortable for former frat boys from Michigan.

The recent riots there should have made the mayor think: There are poor people in Europe too. There are minority groups there. They are angry. But ... they live in the suburbs, so whenever there's an uprising, the city center stays calm and tourist-friendly. The mayor's idea: Tear down the high-rise projects, replace with expensive townhouses, and send the poor to Palatine! Oh wait, he's already working on that one.

Let's take the mayor back to his roots, the home of Guinness, potatoes, and religious warfare. The Irish love to drink. And they love to smoke. But somehow they manage to do the two separately as they've managed to pass a comprehensive, country-wide smoking ban. No one smokes in the pubs anymore, an idea that seemed ridiculous just two years ago. They've managed. In fact, the mayor doesn't need to travel outside the country to see smoking bans that work. New York City is smoke-free. Same with all of California. And yet, we can't seem to get a full City Council vote on the matter here. Some committee recently proposed a ban that would exempt taverns and some restaurants. But whatever. The mayor tacks on a new tax on cigarette packs every time his books don't balance, so he needs to keep people smoking.

Actually ... now that he thinks of it, the mayor can use this as a way to lure travelers to our shores of Lake Michigan. The Irish economy is booming these days. The Celtic Tiger, they call it. The euro is strong, and the Irish have lots of euros in their pockets. So many, in fact, that people now take shopping trips to New York. It's cheaper than staying put and shopping in Dublin. Mayor Daley, here's our chance: Advertise the city. Get the Irish to visit us, to spend money here. They can shop 'til they drop at all of our unique shops like Marshall Field's ... er, Macy's. And they can smoke and drink at the same time at all of our Irish-themed, smoker-friendly bars. If we plan carefully, we can easily become the largest city in the world that allows smoking in public houses. And that ... is today's idea on making Chicago known.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about the cows, he got that idea from Europe and see, that actually worked. Great start on your blog, make sure to keep it up, but take it easy on the mare, he is doing as well as a dufus can.

1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about his recent trip to Poland? I wonder what interesting things he's going to put into practice as a result of touring Warsaw. Of course, the White Sox were in the playoffs that week, so maybe he wasn't even paying attention.

4:12 PM  
Blogger ap said...

Ah, yes, I did forget about the cows, and just like John Kerry, I forgot Poland.

4:44 PM  

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